Long Time No See

What a roller-coaster ride. I don't recognise my face in the mirror sometimes. My mom says I'm fat. Not really, but I just look chubby to her - face is rounding and the chest expanding. No real breast growth yet, although hair is receding all over. I'm informed that more hairs are growing on my head because girls have more head hair but that I won't notice it because my hair is so thick anyhoo.

I'm uncomfortable about my trans group. "tranny torture", I call it. I'm impatient, annoyed, not ready to wait on those who are self-important and ignorantly pretend wisdom. Speak softly and carry a big stick has always been my motto: I've been changing that over time to speak softly and lean on a big stick, and yet I can't seem to get over my seemingly instinctive loathing for str8 men who lumber and bellow and take charge.

Ironic. I've always been intolerant of men, but these days I'm Hothead Paisan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist.

* * * * *

For those who are ready, the door
to the deathless state is open.
You that have ears, give up
the conditions that bind you, and enter in.
- Majjhima Nikaya